Action, George.
Hi, and a lovely good evening to you.
I hope you're feeling well, and I hope your family is
prospering in the new global economy.
You know, I was so proud when HBO asked me to pick out
some of my favorite routines to present
on this special evening.
A little easier than I thought.
First of all, I tried to exclude anything that mentioned
elastic poisoning or quadriplegic sex.
This is my favorite.
I have to attend a funeral tomorrow, a friend of mine was
beaten to death by a buggy full of Amish people.
Also, I didn't want to include any routines that contained
long passages in Hebrew.
Say, did you ever stop to realize that right now
somewhere in the world,
someone is getting ready to hang himself.
I recently tried to get a job as a gynecologist but...
couldn't find an opening.
Right now, my thighs are seizing up,
and my loins have a tingly feeling.
Say, why don't they have testicles
the size of hail stones? That's good.
Say, why don't they have hail stones the size of testicles?
Here's a safety tip;
always wear a thick leather glove
when giving a porcupine a hand job.
Last week they found a spot on my lung,
fortunately, it was barbecue sauce.
Did you know, by the way, that it's bad luck to kill a priest
with a fountain pen?
If you love someone, set them free.
If they come home, set them on fire.
I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack
who can play the bagpipes.
What do you think is more immoral;
killing two 100-pound people,
or killing one, big fat 300 pound person?
I always feel sorry for homeless gay people,
they have no closet to come out of.
I'm outta hats.
I hope you enjoy tonight's program.
You realize Hitler only had one ball?
What do you think about a man with one ball,
you think he has two strikes against him?
Maybe he's got one ball and two strikes.
Hitler only had one ball.
A lot of people don't know that.
They say Hitler, geez, he had a lot of balls...
One.
Thank you, hi, howdy, hello, how are ya', how do you do,
how are you doing, how's it going, what's going on,
what's new, what do you think, what do you hear,
what do you say, what do you feel,
what's shakin', what's happening,
que pasa, what's going down, what it is?
Well, we've got all kinds of ways to say hello,
we got lots of ways to say hello.
You know what my favorite one is?
How's your hammer hangin'?
That's a good one, isn't it?
It doesn't work too well with women, you know?
Unless you're talking to a female carpenter,
then it's perfectly all right.
I've always wanted to say that one
to a high church official.
Good evening, your Holiness, how hangs the hammer?
So far, I haven't had that opportunity.
Then there's one way to say hello that
I really don't care for,
there's one way I don't like.
You know how some people will say to you,
are they keeping you busy?
As if someone has the right to come up and give me odd jobs.
They say to me, are they keeping you busy?
And I say, well, your wife is keeping me pretty busy,
I'll tell you that.
And that seems to hold them for about a half an hour.
Then we have a lot of ways to say goodbye, too.
We've figured out all kinds of ways to say goodbye.
We say bye-bye, so long, see you later, take it easy, be cool,
hang in there.
You know what my favorite one is?
Don't get run over.
Well, some people need practical advice, you know?
And some guys will say to you, hey, have a good one.
I say hey, I already have a good one.
Now I'm looking for a longer one.
And that seems to hold them for about a half an hour.
Then you have all the foreign ways to say goodbye.
You know, some people when they leave you they think
they gotta get tricky.
And they'll whip an arrive derci on you, or an au revoir,
or auf wiedersehen, or adios,
or the American version of that one, adios motherfucker.
Or aloha, that's a nice one, isn't it?
Aloha, they say that in Hawaii, of course, and that means
hello and goodbye.
Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun
you don't know whether you're coming or going.
Then have you noticed this, sometimes you'll get in a rut
with the way you say goodbye.
Do you ever find yourself using the same phrase
over and over again with everybody,
and you feel a little stupid, you know?
Like if you're leaving a party and you have to say goodbye
to five or six people in a row and you say okay take it easy,
okay take it easy, okay take it easy, okay take it easy,
okay take it easy, okay,
you feel like a goddamn moron, you know?
Do you know what I do?
Every month I change the way I say goodbye.
Whether I need to or not, every month I start using
a different phrase.
People like that.
They notice that little extra effort.
They'll say to me, pardon me, but didn't you used to say
okay, hey, take it easy.
I say, yes, I did, but not anymore.
Now I say farewell,
farewell, till we meet again,
peace be with you, may the forces of evil become
confused on the way to your house.
That's a strong one, isn't it?
People will remember you if you talk like that.
Or sometimes you can combine several ways to say goodbye that
don't seem to go together, like toodle loo, go with God,
and don't take any wooden nickels.
Then people don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
Or, you can say goodbye in a realistic manner,
so long, Steve, don't let self-doubt interfere
with your plans to improve your life.
Well, some people need practical advice.
Now here's a situation you run into all the time.
You notice how when you're leaving someone,
a lot of times they'll give you a message
to give to someone else.
Like they say, give my love to Klaus.
Tell Klaus, Rebecca sends her love.
Do you mind that?
Do you mind being used that way?
Do you mind the awesome responsibility of having
to carry Rebecca's love to Klaus?
Suppose you don't see Klaus,
what are you gonna do with Rebecca's love,
carry it around?
Give it to someone else, maybe.
Wilhelm, I can't find Klaus, here's some of Rebecca's love.
Suppose Wilhelm doesn't know Rebecca,
can he legally accept her love?
Especially when it was originally intended for Klaus.
Suppose you give Wilhelm Rebecca's love for Klaus
and then you see Klaus, what are you gonna give him?
All you had was Rebecca's love,
and you've already gone and given that to Wilhelm.
Can you logically ask Wilhelm
to give back Rebecca's love to Klaus?
Maybe he's gotten used to it by now.
Can Klaus sue Wilhelm?
Can Wilhelm be arrested?
Can you be arrested for transporting love
across a state line?
All right, just for the sake of argument,
let's leave Wilhelm out of this all together.
Suppose Rebecca gives you her love to give to Klaus,
and you do see Klaus, what form should the love take?
Can you risk giving Klaus a tongue kiss?
Which brings up another problem, maybe Klaus is gay.
Klaus doesn't want Rebecca's love,
Klaus wants Wilhelm's love.
If Klaus tells you to give his love to Wilhelm,
say bullshit, Klaus,
you give your own love to Wilhelm,
I'm going to find Rebecca.
One final little portion of this,
sometimes people want you to take a hug and a kiss
to someone for them.
Now they've got you carrying cargo.
Give him a big hug and a kiss for me,
give him a big hug and a kiss for me.
Usually it's women, I find that women are
a little more expressive at times like these.
And sometimes they're really explicit.
Bye-bye Elaina, drive carefully,
and give Jake a big blow job for me.
Well why don't you get Klaus to take care of that for ya'?
Hey, baby, what's happening?
Que pasa?
Que what you call your pasa?
Al Sleet here, your hippy-dippy weatherman,
with all the hippy-dippy weather, man.
Brought to you by Parson's Pest Control.
Do you have termites, waterbugs and roaches?
Well, Parson's will help you get rid
of the termites and waterbugs,
and help you smoke the roaches.
Hey.
Temperature at the airport is 88 degrees,
which is stupid, man,
cause I don't know anybody who lives at the airport.
Now if you'll take a look at our national weather map,
you'll see that we don't have one.
So try to picture last night's map...
in your mind.
Remember all the letters and lines,
all them little numbers.
The weather is dominated by a large Canadian low,
which is not to be confused with a Mexican high.
Tonight's forecast...
dark...
continued dark tonight,
turning to partly light in the morning.
Old Al, Al got out of the weather business
when he realized he had given the... the final weather forecast.
He had given the ultimate forecast,
there was nowhere to go.
You know, when there's nothing left to conquer in your field,
hey, it's time to leave.
And old Al had given the ultimate forecast,
he told us, he said one night
that the weather will continue to change on and off
for a long, long time.
Then he was gone from us. God bless Al.
I would have been out here a little bit sooner
but they gave me the wrong dressing room,
and I couldn't find anyplace to put my stuff.
And I don't know how you are,
but I need a place to put my stuff.
So, that's what I've been doing back there,
just trying to find a place for my stuff.
You know how important that is, that's the whole,
that's the whole meaning of life, isn't it?
Trying to find a place for your stuff.
That's all your house is,
your house is just a place for your stuff.
If you didn't have so much goddamn stuff,
you wouldn't need a house.
You could just walk around all the time.
That's all your house is, it's a pile of stuff
with a cover on it.
You see that when you take off in an airplane and you look down
and you see everybody's got a little pile of stuff.
Everybody's got their own pile of stuff.
And when you leave your stuff, you gotta lock it up.
Wouldn't want somebody to come by and take some of your stuff.
They always take the good stuff.
They don't bother with that crap you're saving.
Ain't nobody interested in your fourth grade arithmetic papers.
They're looking for the good stuff.
That's all your house is, it's a place to keep your stuff
while you go out and get more stuff.
Now, sometimes, sometimes you gotta move,
you gotta get a bigger house.
Why? Too much stuff.
You've gotta move all your stuff,
and maybe put some of your stuff in storage.
Imagine that, there's a whole industry based on keeping
an eye on your stuff.
Enough about your stuff, let's talk about other people's stuff.
Did you ever notice when you go to somebody else's house
you never quite feel 100 percent at home?
You know why? No room for your stuff.
Somebody else's stuff is all over the place,
and what awful stuff it is.
Where did they get this stuff?
And if you have to stay overnight at someone's house,
you know, unexpectedly, and they give you a little room
to sleep in that they don't use that often,
someone died in it 11 years ago
and they haven't moved any of his stuff.
Or wherever they give you to sleep,
usually right near the bed there's a dresser
and there's never any room on the dresser for your stuff.
Someone else's shit is on the dresser.
Have you noticed that their stuff is shit,
and your shit is stuff?
Get that off of there.
Now, now, sometimes you go on vacation,
you gotta bring some of your stuff with you.
You can't bring all your stuff, just the stuff you really like,
the stuff that fits you well that month.
Let's say you're gonna go to Honolulu,
you're gonna go all the way to Honolulu you gotta
take two big bags of stuff,
plus your carry on stuff, plus the stuff in your pockets.
You get all the way to Honolulu and you get in your hotel room
and you start to put away your stuff,
that's the first thing you do in a hotel room
is put away your stuff.
Now I'll put some stuff in here, put some stuff down there,
here's another place some stuff here,
I'll put some stuff over there.
You put your stuff over there, I'm putting my stuff over here.
Here's another place for some stuff.
Hey, we got more places than we've got stuff.
We're gonna have to buy more stuff.
And you put all your stuff away, and you know that you're
thousands of miles from home, and you don't quite feel
at ease, but you know that you must be okay because you do have
some of your stuff with you.
And you relax in Honolulu on that basis.
That's when your friend from Maui calls and says hey,
why don't you come over to Maui for the weekend,
spend a couple of nights over here?
Oh, shit no.
Now what stuff do you bring?
Right, you've gotta bring an even smaller version
of your stuff,
just enough stuff for a weekend on Maui.
And you get over, and you are really spread out now,
you've got shit all over the world.
You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu,
stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets,
supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.
But you get over to your friend's house in Maui
and they give you a little place to sleep,
and there's a little window ledge
or some kind of a small shelf,
and there's not much room on it but it's okay,
cause you don't have much stuff now.
And you put what stuff you do have up there,
you put your imported French toenail clippers,
your odor eaters with the 45 day guarantee,
your cinnamon flavored dental floss,
and your Afrin 12 hour decongestant nasal spray.
And you know you're a long way from home,
you know that you must be okay because you do have
your Afrin 12 hour decongestant nasal spray.
And you relax in Maui on that basis.
That's when your friend says,
hey, I think tonight we'll go to the other side of the island,
stay at my friend's house overnight.
Oh, shit no.
Now what do you bring?
Now you just bring the things you know you're gonna need;
money, keys, comb, wallet, lighter, hankie, pens,
cigarettes, contraceptives, Vaseline, whips, chains,
whistles, dildoes and a book.
I'd like to talk a little bit about baseball and football.
Starting with baseball, baseball is different
from any other sport in a lot of different little ways.
For instance, in most sports, you score points
or you score goals.
In baseball, you score runs.
In most sports, the ball or the object is put in play
by the offensive team.
In baseball, the defense puts the ball in play,
and only the defensive team is allowed to touch the ball.
In fact, in baseball,
if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally,
he's out.
Also, most sports, the team is run by a coach.
In baseball, the team is run by a manager,
and only in baseball does the manager or the coach
have to wear the same uniform the players do.
Can you picture Bill Parsells in his New York Giants uniform?
Now, baseball and football are different from one another
in other kind of interesting ways, I think.
First of all, um, baseball is a 19th century pastoral game.
Football is a 20th century technological struggle.
Baseball is played on a diamond in a park, the baseball park.
Football is played on a gridiron in a stadium,
sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall when everything is dying.
In football, you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.
Football is concerned with downs.
What down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups. Who's up, are you up?
I'm not up, he's up.
In football, the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball, the specialist comes in to relieve someone.
In football, you receive a penalty.
In baseball, you make an error.
Whoops.
Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, blocking, piling on,
late hitting, unnecessary roughness and personal fouls.
Baseball has the sacrifice.
Football is played in any kind of weather; rain, sleet, snow,
hail, mud, can't read the numbers on the field,
can't read the yard markers, can't read the players' numbers,
the struggle will continue.
In baseball, if it rains we don't come out to play.
I can't come out to play, it's raining out.
Baseball has a seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two-minute warning.
Baseball has no time limit, we don't know when it's gonna end.
We might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed and it will end
even if we have to go to sudden death.
In baseball, during the game in the stands there's kind
of a picnic feeling, emotions may run high or low
but there's not that much unpleasantness.
In football in the stands during the game you can be sure
that at least 27 times you are perfectly capable
of taking the life of a fellow human being,
preferably a stranger.
And finally,
the objectives of the two games are totally different.
In football, the object is for the quarterback,
otherwise known as the field general,
to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense
by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy
in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use the shotgun.
With short bullet passes and long bombs,
he marches his troops into enemy territory,
balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack
which punches holes in the forward wall
of the enemy's defensive line.
In baseball, the object is to go home,
and to be safe.
I hope I'll be safe at home, safe at home.
There's some words that are perfectly clean,
but sound like they could be filthy
if you gave them just a little help.
A word like pussyfoot.
It's perfectly clean,
but when you say pussyfoot, there's a little giggle,
cause people know that with a little help,
this word could be filthy.
No matter what form of the verb you try, it's clean as a verb,
but pussyfoot...
could be a noun.
It could be a noun, pussyfoot,
a rare disorder,
a female birth defect.
Hello, boys...
I have pussyfoot.
God, you sure do, lady...
and I love them open-toed shoes you have on.
Well, I'd rather have pussyfoot than woodpecker,
I can say that for myself.
Or beer nuts.
God, that must be awful.
Beer nuts, the official disease of Milwaukee.
I know whenever I see the little canister behind the bar,
I drop in a couple of dollars for beer nuts.
I think we need a lot more research on beer nuts.
Or, cotton balls,
which is the dreaded final stage...
of beer nuts.
When my beer nuts turn to cotton balls,
I'll be heading home to you.
It's an old Southern hymn.
There are lots of little phrases like that in the language
that don't quite say what they mean.
Take a shit is another one.
Take a shit!?
You don't take a shit, you leave a shit.
That's the whole idea,
to leave it.
I left a shit.
Fine, thank you, Jeff.
Where'd you leave it?
In the icebox.
I'm gonna take a shit.
Don't take one of mine.
I only have two left and the weekend is coming up.
Why don't you go home and take one of your own shits?
Guy's always mooching off me.
He must think I'm made of shit or something.
Boy, that shit don't grow on trees, you know?
Are there any, uh, any guys here tonight wearing an earring?
How about a sanitary napkin, do you have one of them on, too?
Naw, naw, naw, that's a cheap, that's a cheap joke.
I'm sorry, that was a cheap joke, and I'm better than that.
No, I'm not.
Well, I only ask for a specific reason,
don't mean to embarrass anybody.
See, I once wore an earring, and I'm wondering if the climate
is still the same for people who take a chance.
And I don't know, I guess it's a little different now,
this was 10 or 12 years ago.
It can't be quite the same.
But, uh, when you wear an earring, certain things,
I noticed certain things.
This was I'd say 10 years ago I decided to wear an earring.
The only reason I had a very simple motive,
I just wanted people to think I was different, okay?
And I thought, well, I'll drill a hole in my flesh.
I only have seven holes in my head now,
I'll make an eighth hole in my head
and put an ornament in there,
and people will have to deal with me.
I just wanted people to think I was a little strange, okay?
I mean, apparently, it wasn't strange enough
that I stand up here going (noises).
I needed something a little extra.
And I thought well, self-mutilation,
that might do the trick.
So I drilled a hole in my ear, put an ornament in there,
and set about my task.
The first thing I noticed was that some people didn't care.
In fact, the whole world seemed indifferent to what I had done.
Most people will not even look at the earring, I noticed that,
they would look right in my eyes, ignoring the earring,
and I know what's going through their mind, they're thinking
this asshole is wearing a fucking earring.
But a lot of people wouldn't look at it cause
they couldn't handle it.
That's, I know that's what was going on,
they couldn't handle it cause they didn't know what it meant.
You know some people think
everything has to mean something.
Well, some things don't mean anything,
but people think it means something.
It means you're gay, if it's in this ear it means you're gay.
If it's in this ear it means you like to hump water buffalo
or something, I don't know?
Somebody said to me, well, what does it mean?
I said, it means I killed a man in prison
for asking fucking questions.
And that seemed to satisfy his curiosity.
Another guy says to me, are you gay?
I say, well, bend over and let's find out.
You know,
I mean, it's the same thing if a man carries a little bag,
a little purse in his hand, you know?
That's all it is, it's a little purse, it's a purse, that's all.
Some guys can't handle that word.
Some guys who carry them can't even call it that.
They'll say where's my little bag.
I say fuck you, it's your purse.
Pick it up and get out of here, will ya'.
I mean, if you can't handle the word, don't carry the bag.
That's all it is, is a little purse.
I got one, big deal. What does it mean?
But some people like taunt you. They'll say, is that your purse?
And I say yes, it is.
And I have a picture of your mother in here
sucking off an Indian.
And that seemed to satisfy their curiosity.
So I wore this earring for about two years or three years,
and then I decided not to wear it anymore
when I heard that Andy Rooney had one.
I thought, well, fuck me, how different can I be?
So I stopped wearing it, and my hole grew over,
my earring hole.
No, not my asshole, what, are you crazy or something?
Get outta here.
No, your asshole grows over,
you might as well check straight into a cemetery,
cause you're gonna spend a lot of time walking around the beach
wondering why you're getting larger.
No, no, no, no, my earring hole grew over,
and people noticed it.
People would say, aren't you gaining weight?
And I'd say yes, my earring hole grew over.
And aren't you a keen observer of detail.
But these days, if you wanna be different these days,
one earring isn't enough, you've gotta have a whole colony
of those goddamn things growing up the side of your head
like they're out of control.
Some guys are walking with a 30 degree list to port,
setting off metal detectors all over town.
Or if you really wanna be different,
you've gotta get your nose pierced.
That'll make you different, get your nose pierced.
Actually, you don't have to get it pierced,
you can do it yourself at home with a paper punch.
Ohh.
Makes a nice clean hole, only hurts for about a month.
And then you can put one of your dad's tie tacks in there.
Hi, dad.
What's that, one of my tie tacks?
Yup.
Well, make sure you bring it home.
You'll make a good impression at the job interview
with one of your dad's tie tacks sticking through your nose.
I figure it's your body.
Well, some guys won't get that done.
That's not a guy's thing for the most part.
You won't see too many guys with the nose,
it's more of a woman's thing to do.
Guys figured out a long time ago,
hey, I get punched in the face with one of those things in,
it's gonna staple my nose to the back of my skull.
Whoa, this fucking hurts, man.
Well, I wanted to be different.
Well, you are now.
No, that's not for men.
For the most part you don't see men, it's women have that.
And some women have more than one.
Some women have two or three of those things in there.
God, I could never have handled that.
I mean, it was hard enough keeping one earring clean.
Can you imagine three nose studs and a heavy cold?
Whoa, forget about it.
And you might sneeze and kill your friend.
Achoo,
ahhh, fucking Joey, my eye...
my eye.
Now your friend has a pierced eye
to go along with your pierced nose.
I don't have a nice day anymore.
I don't bother much with that.
I think I'm beyond that now,
I think I've outgrown the nice day.
I think I've had my share.
Why should I be hogging all the really nice ones?
Let somebody else have a few.
Of course, everybody still wants me to have one.
Everybody wants me to have a nice day.
Have a nice day.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wanna give me my fucking change, please?
I'm triple parked.
Some of them are really insistent,
I said have a nice day!!
All right, all right, goddamn it, all right,
I'll give it a shot.
That's the trouble with have a nice day,
it puts all the pressure on you.
Now you've gotta go out and somehow manage
to have a good time,
all because of some loose-lipped cashier.
Have a nice day.
Maybe I don't feel like having a nice day.
Maybe, just maybe, I've had 116 nice days in a row,
and I'm ready by God, for a crappy day.
I never hear that, let them wish one of them,
hey, have a crappy day.
Thank you, and to your wonderful family as well.
A crappy day, hey, that would be easy, it's no trouble at all,
a crappy day,
just get up.
There's no planning involved for a crappy day.
I know what it is that bothers me about that whole thing.
It's the word nice.
It's just a weak word.
It doesn't have a lot of character, you know? Nice.
Isn't he nice?
Oh, he is so nice.
And she's nice, too.
Isn't that nice.
How nice they are.
I don't care for that, you know?
It's like fine.
There's another word. How are you?
Fine.
Bullshit.
Nobody's fine.
Hair is fine.
How's your hair?
Fine.
That makes a lot more sense to me.
Some guys are great.
Did you ever meet those guys? Great.
Isn't this great? Goddamn, this is great.
Look, they're gonna kill that guy.
Isn't that great?
That's great.
No, not me, I'm not nice, I'm not fine, I'm not great.
People ask me how I am, I say I'm fairly decent.
I don't give them any superlatives,
nothing to gossip about, relatively okay.
Sometimes I'll say, I'm moderately neato.
If I'm in a particularly jaunty mood
I'll say I'm not unwell, thank you.
That pisses them off
cause they have to figure that one out for themselves.
So...
it reminds of something my first grade teacher used to say to me,
a little lady,
she used to say, you show me a tropical fruit
and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.
No, that, that was someone else, that was someone else.
Now, the dog might just embarrass you
if it gets the chance.
Let's go out to the front of your house,
out to the living room.
And, uh, you're there now with your dog,
he's there of course,
and you have some friends in, some neighbors over,
sitting around the coffee table.
And, uh, chit chat, you know, talking to each other,
you brought your Pepsi down but fuck them,
let them get their own Doritos.
I'm not here to feed the neighborhood.
And everybody's sitting around
and the dog is licking his balls.
And nobody mentions it.
A spectacular thing going on there.
If I could reach, I'd never leave the house man.
Are you kidding me?
They don't even mention it.
They say things like, isn't he cute?
He's taking a bath.
He appears to be licking his balls to me, Marge.
Yeah, he's been on that one spot for over an hour.
That's a mighty selective bath.
No, no, no, no, nice doggie, no, no, nice doggie,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
nice doggie, no, no, no.
Don't you know they have the cleanest mouth of any animal?
I'm just going by where he's been, honey.
I am not a chemist.
I was what they called a fussy eater.
He's fussy.
He's a fussy eater.
Fussy eater is a euphemism for big pain in the ass.
I mean, if I didn't like something, I told them.
I didn't play with my food, pick at my food,
I said I don't like that.
You make this? I don't like it.
Why?
They wanted reasons.
Well, you don't always have a reason.
I don't know. I know I don't like it.
And I know that if I ate it, I would like it even less.
You like it, you eat it.
Then they would try to corner me with logic,
how do you know you don't like it if you've never even tried.
It came to me in a dream.
Some things don't look right.
I don't like that, Ma. Don't look right to me.
Did you make that?
Is there a picture of it in the cookbook?
I'll bet it don't look like that.
Let's face it, be honest, some things don't look right.
Of course, some people will eat anything, I know that.
Some guys will eat anything.
I saw those guys in the Army on the chow line.
What's this? Never mind. Give me a whole lot of it.
That's rat's asshole, Don.
Well, it certainly makes a hell of a fondue.
It don't look right.
I don't eat anything I don't recognize immediately.
If I have to ask questions, fuck it, I pass, you know?
Tomatoes don't look right, either.
On the outside, they're fine.
Tomatoes look lovely on the outside.
But you look inside a tomato and something is wrong.
Something has gone afoul inside of a tomato.
It doesn't look right, you know?
It doesn't look like it's finished yet, for one thing.
It looks like it's in the larval stage or something.
There's thousands of seeds and a whole bunch
of jelly looking stuff.
Get it off my plate.
It's gushy, it's like that stuff at the end of an egg.
And I know it's not the end of an egg,
it's the beginning of a chicken.
It's hen cum.
Get it off my plate.
Kids, besides being...
too young, are also too little.
That's another thing they have to put up with,
they're too goddamn little.
You've noticed them, haven't you?
I wouldn't laugh in front of them, man,
but they're too fucking little.
Kids spend all their time,
all those important years way the hell down there.
Teeny little things.
They really do start you out small when you're a kid,
don't they?
Look at this, Dan, we've got a kid.
What you gonna do with him?
Gonna raise him.
Don't plant them too deep, you know?
Sure, for all those years you're stuck down there
and the whole world's up here.
Or, you're stuck down here, and the whole world is up there.
Everything's up there.
Everything's built for them,
all the furniture, right?
Oh, they give you one little table and a couple of chairs
in your room, you know?
But your brother sits on it and breaks it.
You're stuck, everything's up there.
Hey, pardon me, hey, look out for the cigarette, will ya',
ouch, goddamn it.
You wanna look for the cookies?
Would you look for the cookies, please?
Yeah, they're up there, they're not down here.
They don't keep them here, they keep them up there.
I can't see up there at all.
I've never seen it up there.
I wouldn't know where to look, they're up there somewhere,
just take a look around, would you?
Would you please look... just give it a chance, give it a try,
just look everywhere, open everything up, open everything,
look in everything up high.
Do you know where they are? He knows where they are.
Tell him, tell him where they are.
He knows where they are.
Tell him, just tell him, just tell him you know?
Hey, come on, oh, come on.
Yeah, man, you don't know much down here.
Well, you know about the nap of the rug.
You have a pretty clear idea about the migration of dust
in an urban apartment.
You know where all the electrical outlets are.
Makes you handy as hell the week before Christmas.
Come here, Dad, I'll show you, come on, hey, come on over here.
This one had a brown mark on it.
Sure, you're just a little guy down here,
and your handle is extended,
that's the thing they use to take you places.
Come on, we're going downtown.
And simply because you're so small,
just because you're... tiny...
they pick you up and throw you in the air.
You don't see them throwing each other in the air, do you?
It isn't safe.
Just you, because you're teeny.
Your uncle comes over on Thanksgiving,
whoa boy, look at him,
ain't he a teeny...
Goddamn, I'm gonna throw him up in the air.
Come here.
I got him. I got you, hold on. I got him.
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay, I got him.
Oh, Margaret, I'm sorry.
I lost him in the sun.
We got any turkey left?
Yeah, there were rules, I wasn't too good at rules myself.
Well, I was good at breaking them.
You'd think that would count, you know, it's a category.
No such luck, it was marked against you.
Didn't have a lot of luck with them
because they didn't all seem logical to me.
For some reason or another, some of them seemed dumb.
Now, there were good rules, to be sure,
there were some fine rules.
No running with the scissors...
that's one I always obeyed.
Made sense to me.
Shit, this big mother will go right through me.
What are you doing?
I'm not running with the scissors.
Another good rule was no sticking your head out
of the high speed railroad train window.
Goddamn, Dad, good rule.
Oh, yeah.
Doesn't want us to get our heads chopped off.
Fucking great, must be having a great day, Dad.
There were some rules
that were not so intelligently drawn, I felt.
Some things that didn't make a lot of sense.
No running in the halls.
Hey,
why, cause it looks like fun, that's why.
No running in the halls.
Where you gonna run, in the rooms?
Gotta keep turning in the rooms, man.
Can't get up any speed at all in the rooms.
Hallways,
made for running.
Another, uh, dumb rule I thought was no singing at the table.
Why?
One guy with a bad voice a hundred years ago
fucked it up for everybody else?
Why?
No singing at the table.
Why? Because I said so.
First sign of a dumb rule.
Yeah, you can stand right next to the table all during dinner
and sing your ass off.
It's not covered by the rule.
"I'm standing near the table during dinner and I'm singing,
and it isn't even covered by your rules."
Sit down, you.
That was your middle name, you.
Have you noticed that you never seem to get laid
on Thanksgiving?
I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
You know how you can tell when a moth farts?
He flies in a straight line.
It's the old American double standard, you know?
Say one thing, do something different.
And of course, the country is founded on the double standard.
That's our history.
We were founded on a very basic double standard.
This country was founded by slave owners
who wanted to be free.
Am I right?
A group of slave owners who wanted to be free.
So they killed a lot of white English people
in order to continue owning their black African people
so they could wipe out the rest of the red Indian people
and move West and steal the rest of the land
from the brown Mexican people,
giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons
on the yellow Japanese people.
You know what the motto...
you know what the motto of this country ought to be?
You give us a color, we'll wipe it out.
You got it.
So anyway, about 80 years after the constitution is ratified,
80 years later, the slaves are freed.
Not so you'd really notice it, of course,
just sort of on paper.
And that was of course during the Civil War.
Now there's another phrase I dearly love,
that is a true oxymoron if I've ever heard one,
Civil War.
Do you think any country could really have...
a civil war?
Say, pardon me (gunshots)
I'm awfully sorry,
I'm awfully sorry.
So, now of course, the Civil War has been over
for about 120 years,
but not so you'd really notice it.
Cause we still have these people called Civil War buffs,
people who thought it was a really keen war,
and they study the battles carefully,
and they try to improve on the strategies
and the tactics to increase the body count
in case we have to go through it again sometime.
In fact, some of these people actually get dressed up
in uniform once a year and go out
and refight these battles.
You know what I say?
Use live ammunition, assholes. Would you, please?
You might just raise the intelligence level
of the American gene pool.
But what do you expect,
hey, come on, this is a war-like country.
We come from that Northern European,
basically the Northern European genes,
the blue eyes, those blue eyes,
boy, everybody in the world learned real quick,
didn't they, when those blue eyes sail out of the North,
you better nail everything down, motherfucker.
Nail it down, strap it down, or they'll grab it.
If they can't take it home, they'll burn it.
If they can't burn it, they'll fuck it.
That's what happened to us.
And it's a war-like country.
Come on, I mean, forget foreign policy,
even the domestic rhetoric is war-like.
Everything about our domestic policy invokes
the thought of war.
We don't like something in this country, we declare war on it.
The war on poverty,
the war on drugs,
the war on crime,
the war on AIDS,
the war on cancer.
We got the only national anthem that mentions fucking rockets
and bombs in the goddamn thing, you know what I mean?
All right.
I'd like to talk a little bit about sports.
Sports are very big in this country,
I am a sports fan.
That's fine, thank you.
Yes, I know a lot of people feel positive about sports.
As I say, I'm, I'm not a fanatic about sports,
but I'm not a casual observer, either.
I was watching ESPN today, for which I am thankful,
by the way, all sorts of strange things they show on ESPN.
Today they had some swimming that was interesting,
the women's 200 meter breast stroke.
Well, I'd never seen a woman with 200 meter breasts,
so I was really interested.
But I'll tell you this, I'm enough of a sports fan
that I suggest, I have some rules changes
I would like to suggest.
I think there are some changes we could make in certain sports
that would make them more exciting, you know?
Like in football, I would let all 45 guys
play at the same time.
You know, what's this shit standing around
watching the game.
Get in there, put a helmet on, and hurt somebody,
for Christ sakes, will you?
You're not getting paid to watch.
And never mind lining up, just grab the ball
and run like a motherfucker, you know?
Another thing I would do in football,
I would leave the injured on the field.
Well, they're always talking about how it's a big war
going on out there.
Fine, let the Red Cross come around
and pick these assholes up.
Here's how I'd change basketball,
you could make basketball a lot quicker.
You know what you do, you have a two-second shot clock.
Soon as that ball is in bounds,
get that son of a bitch up in the air.
I didn't come to watch a game of catch,
I'm looking for a 4 or 500 point ballgame.
I'm a fan, I want six overtimes
and a thousand points on the board.
Another thing I would do for basketball,
at the center court line for 10 feet on either side
of the center court line, I would have a gasoline fire.
You talk about the fast break, you'd see the really fast break.
Here's another suggestion for basketball,
I would allow 25 points for any ball
that goes in the basket off another guy's head.
You'd see some good fights during those close games,
I'll tell you.
And, you'd increase the chance for serious injuries.
That's what I'm looking for, injuries.
That's what I like about sports.
I don't care who wins these games, if I want to see winners,
I'll watch the Academy Awards.
I'm looking for injuries, serious, life-long, crippling,
debilitating injuries.
I'm an American, give me a little violence
and I'm a happy guy.
Most people won't admit that.
They'll say, well, I like the competition.
Yeah, like Hiroshima, right?
Fuck the competition,
I'm looking for a leg in two or three places.
Well, now, getting back to how we can improve these sports
and speed them up, you know?
Baseball needs a little speeding up.
You know how you speed up baseball?
Everybody gets one swing.
That's it, one swing, fuck you, you're out, sit down, come on,
let's go, come on, sit down, next, come on, let's go.
Here's another thing that would make base...
baseball a lot faster,
if the pitcher hits the batter with the ball,
batter is out.
You hit 27 guys,
you got yourself a perfect game, my friend.
You get two really good accurate pitchers out there
and you could be out of that ballpark in 15 minutes.
You could be home watching football on TV,
and see some serious goddamn injuries.
One more thing for baseball, out in the outfield
I would have a series of randomly placed landmines.
There's Marshall, settling under that ball (explosion).
Holy shit.
Now, I must explain,
the only reason I mentioned
baseball, basketball and football
is because to my way of thinking,
these are really the only three sports we have.
Nothing else qualifies as a sport according to me.
Everything else is a game or an activity.
Hockey comes to mind.
People think hockey is a sport.
Hockey is not a sport,
hockey is three activities going on at the same time;
ice skating, playing with a puck,
and beating the shit out of somebody.
Now, if these guys were intelligent at all
they would do these things one at a time.
First you go ice skating, then you play with the puck,
then you go to the bar and beat the shit out of somebody.
The day would last a lot longer
and these guys would have a whole lot more fun.
Tell you another reason hockey is not a sport,
it's not played with a ball.
Anything that isn't played with a ball can't be a sport.
These are my rules, I make them up.
Hockey is played with a puck, what is a puck?
I never even heard of a puck outside of hockey.
Have you ever heard of a puck?
The only other place you find a puck is in the urinal
to control the smell in the bathroom,
all right?
And as far as I'm concerned, any game where the main object
is something that came out of a urinal
is definitely not a sport.
Soccer, soccer is not a sport cause you can't use your arms.
Anything where you can't use your arms, can't be a sport.
Tap dancing isn't a sport, I rest my case.
Another thing I don't like about soccer,
they've got dots on the ball.
That's a big rule of mine, no goddamn dots on the ball.
Running, people think running is a sport.
Running isn't a sport, anyone can do it.
You know, anything we can all do can't be a sport.
I can run, you can run.
My mother can run, you don't see her
on the cover of Sports Illustrated, do you?
People say I'm gonna run down to the store
and buy a loaf of bread.
Fine, it's not a goddamn sport.
I'm not gonna pay to watch you buy a fucking loaf of bread.
Swimming, swimming isn't a sport,
swimming is a way to keep from drowning.
That's common sense.
Sailing, sailing isn't a sport,
sailing is a way to get somewhere.
Riding a bus isn't a sport.
Why the fuck should sailing be a sport?
Boxing is not a sport,
boxing is a way to beat the shit out of somebody.
In that respect,
boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
But beating the shit out of somebody is not a sport,
in spite of what the police think.
When police brutality becomes an Olympic event, fine,
then boxing can be a sport.
Bowling, bowling isn't a sport
cause you have to rent the shoes.
Don't forget, my rules, I make them up.
Billiards, now billiards is not a sport because
there's no chance for serious injuries
unless you welsh on a bet in a tough neighborhood.
Then, if you see a guy with a pool cue
sticking out of his ass,
you know that might be a sport's related injury.
But that's not billiards, that's pool.
And that starts with a P and that rhymes with D,
and that brings me to darts.
Now, darts could be a sport,
cause you might put somebody's eye out.
But darts will never be a sport because the whole object
is to reach zero, which goes against all sports logic.
Lacrosse, lacrosse is not a sport,
lacrosse is a faggot college activity.
Sorry about that.
That's right, any time you're standing in a field
with a stick with a net on the end of it,
you're engaged in a faggot college activity.
Same thing goes for field hockey and fencing.
These things aren't sports
because you can't gamble on them.
Anything you can't gamble on can't be a sport.
When was the last time you made a fucking fencing bet?
Gymnastics,
gymnastics is not a sport cause Rumanians are good at it.
It took me a long time to come up with that rule,
but by God, I thought of one.
Polo,
polo isn't a sport, polo is golf on horseback.
It's a great concept, but it's not a sport.
And water polo,
I don't even want to mention water polo
cause it's extremely cruel to the horses.
Which brings me to hunting.
You think hunting is a sport? Ask the deer.
The only thing good about hunting
is the many accidents on the weekends.
Which brings me to auto racing,
now we're talking serious goddamn injuries, folks.
I don't know about you,
but that's what I'm looking for in auto racing,
a nice crash and a car fire.
I don't care who wins these races,
it's the same five rednecks who win all the time anyway,
who gives a shit about these people.
I've gotta be honest with you, listen, I gotta be honest,
driving 500 miles in a circle does not impress me.
I'm looking for an accident.
Let me put it this way, when else am I gonna see
a 26-car collision and not be in the goddamn thing?
Then we have tennis.
Now, tennis,
very trendy, not a sport.
Tennis is a form of ping-pong.
In fact, tennis is ping-pong played
while standing on the table,
you know?
Great idea, but it's not a sport.
In fact, all racquet games
are nothing but derivatives of ping-pong,
even volley ball is racquetless, team ping-pong
played with an inflated ball and a raised net
while standing on the table.
And then finally we come to golf.
Do you ever watch golf on TV?
It's like watching flies fuck.
I get more excited picking out socks.
Golf could be fun if you could play alone,
but it's these genetic defectives
that you have to hang around with
that makes it such a boring pastime.
Think of the brains that it takes to play golf;
hitting a ball with a crooked stick
and then walking after it.
And then...
hitting it again.
I say pick it up asshole, you're lucky you found it.
Put it in your pocket and go the fuck home, will ya'?
Thank you, goodnight, everybody.
Thank you all very much.
Thank you.
Thank you very much,
Have a good time. Goodnight, thank you.
Thank you very much, goodnight now.
{{{the end}}}